Humor makes the soil fertile.. NOT. Humus does.

Long time no post. I am pretty sure I would not have posted had I not been caged in my room with just enough money for:

1. Traveling to my university and back home for 3 days.
2. Lunch for 3 days.
3. 20 cigarettes.
4. A box of 8 miniature KitKats.
5. Few hundred bucks for emergency.

Now a touristy Saturday outing does not count as an emergency so I do the most economical thing I can do, stay home and watch this documentary. Irrespective of how much money you have, please do watch the documentary.

Now I had originally thought of writing about things not to do while you are interning abroad, especially if you are in Japan, but then I could not think of more than two such things:

1. Do not, and I mean do not eat anything that is green and looks like a karela (bitter gourd) in a salad. Because it is karela. I have always advocated that karela prepared with aaloo is pretty good but its just not something meant for salads. It might look enticing and all given green vegetables here are pretty rare but still, just don't eat it.

2. I know it is very important for us Indians to wash our ass after taking a dump and abroad this luxury is almost as rare as karela because firangs don't have mugs in their toilets. So we have to resort to toilet paper. We all know how to use it, but sometimes our instincts get the better of us and somehow, by hook or by crook we manage to wash our silly asses. Now that is okay. Only if you don't try to live up to the fact that you are abroad and thus need to use toilet paper. So, things you can do to get a shiny clean ass:
a. Wipe it with toilet paper. Simple.
b. In case there are no mugs around, manage to find a paper/plastic cup or just extend that shower chord and wash that crap.
c. You feel extra hygienic, then wipe it and then wash it.
Do NOT, especially if you are in a country that promotes recycling like we promote Pepsi, wash ass and then wipe it. The toilet paper will stick to your ass in ways unimaginable. And it doesn't help either that Indians are naturally gifted with fuzzy asses. Its like trying to take snow flakes out of grass blades. Like removing very fine thermocol from your hair. Like trying to catch that eyelash which falls on your cheek. Which is always a difficult thing to do.

That is all I can say about things not to do when you are in firang-land.

Coming back to what I eventually settled on writing about; it has a more global background and appeal, I think. It is mostly intuitive and is majorly hypothesized based on absolutely no practical experiences.

You know all those girls that keep saying that their ideal man should have a good sense of humor? Yeah, don't buy that shit. Because it has a huge catch. Its not a complete statement, its just a part of a longish statement which the girls have learnt to cut short as a survival technique or due to the fact that they quite don't like announcing in public that they are sluts deep down within. Just the same way all boys are always horny. Now the complete statement, as a girl would say it, would probably be:
"My ideal man should have a good sense of humor BUT not in bed and it would be great if he has a 7 inch dick to say the least."

It is quite understandable why a guy would prefer to always be funny. Because its probably the only thing he is good at. Furthermore, it would make absolute sense to him to be humorous while making out because:
1. He is a nice guy and doesn't want to let the girl feel that her body is all the guy needs.
2. He is nervous and a little laughter is always good to relax in tense (innuendo alert) situations.
3. He wants to let the girl know that what she fell for isn't temporary or limited by the situation guy is in.

These are just some reasons and not the only reasons why a guy would try to crack jokes while being intimate. The crux of the matter is while the intentions are almost always good, meant for relaxing the girl etc, the result is almost always not conducive.
I will try to exemplify:

Situation 1: Airplane Situation
You are flying 40000 feet above the ground, on a long haul flight, sitting next to a complete stranger (girl) who is just too smitten by your sense of humor. Sometime later she very casually tells you that she will be in the loo for sometime and the door will be open. You, being a boy, casually just drop by in the same loo. In the loo, the girl is down to bare essentials of clothing and you, feeling too overdressed, reciprocate and you two are about to make sweet love when the girl goes:

Girl: So how does it feel, knowing that you are about to make love a mile above the ground?
You say:
a) Oh I wouldn't know how it is different from making love a meter above the ground because I haven't done it .(which is true because you are a nice guy and nice guys don't fuck girls on the ground) Hehehehehehehehehehehe.
b) I didn't think it would be possible for me to get any higher, but you just outdid the aircraft baby. Although I wonder what it is like getting a blow job a mile above the ground. *GRIN*
c) I don't know, you think I should ask some of the stewardesses? Then we can probably exchange notes.
d) If it's good for you its good for me, sexy! *Kiss*
e) Can you please repeat the question? Its too loud in here and the low atmospheric pressure doesn't exactly help the eardrums. *Stupid smile*
f) Oh it was good! Can I please get sometime alone now, I think I have to take a crap. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Now if your answer is A, you are, in all probability, going to come out of the loo very soon, with a solid steel hard on and with your only achievement being that you shared the loo on an airplane with a semi-naked chick. Given that you are instinctively humorous and nice, it is probably the first reply that will come to your head. You don't find anything wrong with your answer but the girl thinks differently. You were being honest but lets just face it, no girl, but a virgin, wants to fuck a virgin no matter how funny he is. If she still goes ahead and fucks you, either she is a very big slut or you won't find a more suitable, nicer girl for yourself.

If you say B, you are a proper stud who should be giving private lessons to Leonardo DiCaprio or any porn star for that matter. Not only you are going to form babbies but also you are going to get a blow job. How cool is that! Notice that in a couple of statements you praised the girl, proved you are humorous and managed to slip in a blow job reference. Just remember to follow the answer with heavenly love making.

People who will choose to go with C can have varying experiences depending on the kind of girl they are sharing the toilet seat with. If she is the jealous sort, she will end up calling one of the stewardesses to ask of her experience and sure as hell you won't get to fuck her. If she is a nice girl, like you are a nice boy, she will laugh out so loud that you will be worried that people might notice. But you will get what you seek if no-one knocks on the door. A sex maniac would just smile at what you said and continue with the act. Its a borderline case. I wouldn't risk it.

D is the ideal answer. No humor. So no loss of girl's hornyness, which is generally kind of diffused by laughter. You showed that you are concerned for the girl, which is always a good thing and the kiss, if administered properly, can and will seal the deal for you. But coming up with this sort of answer would require you to be in love with the girl or at least have a huge crush on her developed in the course of few hours for which you flew together, along with having a pure romantic side to your personality. This is the sort of answer that would get you your future wife or a steady girlfriend for sometime or at least her phone number.

E is again a very honest confession disguised in the form of a funny statement. It would not harm you to say so if the girl is not utterly impatient and does not seek absolute romantic perfection. But still, this kind of thing will not yield very satisfying long term results. Its hard to judge actually. The girl can find you "cute" too. Don't know. I would say don't risk it. Think before you speak. If you don't follow it up with that stupid smile then you have lost it all. Its a wonder that you ended up with a girl in the loo. If hearing is such a big fucking problem for you, just learn to lip read for such cases.

F is the kind of answer that gives men the bad reputation among the girls that seek a committed relationship. A complete turn off. You think you are funny, but no you are not. At least not for normal girls. If the girl likes it, just your luck. But I would advise you to either turn emo or gay for the benefit of the girls in consideration here.

So the point of this example is, don't be funny. Being funny will not harm you always, but why would you want to take a risk? Anyway, nice guys don't get a chance to be with a girl that often, so if you do get a chance, don't ruin it. If the girl is horny. Keep her horny. Don't diffuse it because you can't fucking handle it. If you want to dilute the kink quotient, why don't you just fucking cut your dick off with a stone or something?

To satisfy that requirement that a girl has for her ideal man, keeping your humor in check is what you can do. 7 inches dick are not handed out for free. Unless you are a nigger. But then you have other issues.

There were more examples but its just getting too long for a single post. Maybe some other time.